Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
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