i think my tv is drunk
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
