Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
