I want to walk on stilts...naked
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
