I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
