rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
