It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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