My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Randomize
