He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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