Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize