did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
ok first of all what the fuck
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
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