There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
