I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
