just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
