Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
