Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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