I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
