I faked an abortion last night.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
