Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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