Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
