The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
