your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
