Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I think my moral compass just broke
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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