I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
