oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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