also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Randomize
