why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
