Jerry, you need to find god
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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