AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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