i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
