I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize