hotel room ftw
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
