I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
A bitchslap is in order.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
