hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I am naked and annoyed.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
