why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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