Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize