Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
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