True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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