Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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