I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
How does it feel to date your dad?
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