I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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