i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Randomize
