I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
people are starting to question the shark bite story
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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