Dual....:-)
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
