It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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