My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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