That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize