and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
This is classic penis vs brain.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
