The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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