i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
