Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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