did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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