vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I checked into jail on foursquare
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
She bit a glass in half.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize