The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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