Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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