i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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