Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
