4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Randomize
