piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
