I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
i wish my penis had a tongue
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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