i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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