you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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