Umm I'm too high to move.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Randomize
