Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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