So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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