gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
